The Dial
The wisdom of old age is a curse and a blessing. So many things I would do again, for pleasure or redemption. If I could turn a dial and go back, the first thing I would do is tell my younger self it is okay to share your emotions. As a man, we tend to feel as though we need to hide our emotions, or thoughts, because it will make us look weak. Being the first born son carrying on a legacy made that feeling stronger. I couldn’t allow people to know what I was truly feeling at a young age. I thought it would make me feel weak. I made excuses to find ways to please everyone else but me. Whenever I did express myself, it was through anger and abnormal outbursts no one saw coming.
A part of me would say….
If I could turn a dial and go back, the first thing I would do is never share my emotions to anyone. The moment you show someone your most vulnerable self, they’ll take advantage and see you as a joke or anything less. The stereotypical masculine mindset arise through the perceptions of others calling you weak minded. I know. I know. “You are strong.” “You have become a stronger person because of that.” Have I?
The older one becomes more complex situations arise. More situations to challenge your strength and show you how weak minded you truly are. It starts to make you wonder if sharing your emotions was truly worth it.
If I could go back by turning that dial, I would have made the decision to do what I was going to do all those years ago. I would have never experienced the life I lived now. Never experienced the pressure of senior year of high school. Never experienced the dream of a higher education at a HBCU. Never experienced the pain that comes from losing someone who was an important part of who you are. The feeling of that night haunts me to this day. From getting the phone call to the chill rush down my spine of her presence comforting you through the call.
I say this to say that if I had a chance to turn that dial and go back, I would tell myself it is okay to free yourself of any emotions that you may feel. It will only make you grow into the person you was meant to become and not someone you conditioned yourself to be. You’ll be mentally free from all the chains that comes withholding your own thoughts and feelings for the light of others. Be the person you was meant to be and not the person society conditioned you to be.
As a reader, I ask you this: If you were given the chance to turn a dial and go back, what would be the first thing you would tell your younger self?
No one is ever truly alone in life. There is someone, or a group of someone’s, out there to relate to you. You just have to reach out and find them.
